I got a subwoofer for Christmas, poor Lord Flanders III isn't quite sure what to think of it. Before his bowl would vibrate a little bit, but now when I crank the music his home is becoming more jacuzzi minus the hot water than ocean wavy.

Me: Maybe next time you could not say 'God' so much, my mom's not big into that.

Her: God, I have to stop that.

I got Buffy, Once More with Feeling, for Christmas and I can't stop listening to it. The CD is great, but I wish it had some more of the dialogue from the episode: Dawn's in trouble, it must be Tuesday; Buffy needs backup; Hey, I've died twice.

Bruce the Spruce says Happy Holidays! He's the gift that just keeps on giving. He's the southern cousin of Douglas the Fir, but his blue-lite eyes and soothing jingles bring the same ammount of cheer. Not much going on here: last minute shopping, a slew of functions until Sunday, and annoying my mother. My brother is home from San Francisco and we've regressed to our childhood days and have been play fighting and teaming up on my Mom. She acts really annoyed and says we're wearing her out, but secretly I know she loves it!

I'm sort of glad that I'm unemployed this year, otherwise I'd have a work Christmas party to go to, and last year's didn't turn out so well. A year later I'm still trying to put the pieces together and live down the embarrassment. In my defense, Tracy was at the Waterloo Inn and confirmed that the red wine was super-extra potent and served in copious ammounts.



Here is what I recollect:

- meet and greet everyone and decide on table

- develop plan to get more wine and establish ourselves as the rowdy table

- over several hours I take pictures of drunk coworkers

- get the thumbs up from boss who is impressed by my ways with the women

- establish reputation for dancing with exuberance

- harass fellow co-op student about something I remember nothing about

- more time passes only the drunk are left

- decide to leave, but get in fight with an acquaintance first

- need to cool off, so I wander the overpass and nearby parking garage

- injure myself causing a large bruise in varying shades of purple, green and yellow

- stumble back to hotel, get in first cab, it's full of americans

- talk aimlessly with americans about nothing, but probably something stupid like accents

- awoken by roommates after passing out

- am really cold, in bed wearing fleece and insist they all crowd in bed with me

- drink water, and puke. not necessarily in that order

- wake up next morning to find wreckage of personal affects

- go into state of denial



I should have read this before I went.

My little cousin was telling me about his first drunken escapade. They decided to get hammered during their lunch hour (mistake #1) on stolen liquor from their parents (good move, they topped it off with water), but they mixed all the different kinds together (mistake #2). It almost went off without a hitch but one of the kids couldn't hold his booze well. They went back to school (mistake #3) and he acted all crazy and then puked in his locker (mistake #4). They were all were suspended 3 days.



The whole time I was confused as who I should be. The cool cousin, who tells him where he went wrong or the responsible cousin, who tells him he's too young to drink. After laughing at him for a long time, I decided to give him some sage advice:



Liquor then beer, you're in the clear.

Beer then liquor, you've never been sicker.

I never thought Satchel and I had so much in common.

Besides, it's not like all these cartoons coming to life is 100% effective anyway - Michael probably just thinks he's tripping out. Cartoon Allstars was the ultimate after school special put out by the Bush adminitration to go along with teh 'just say no to drugs', countered by, 'I tried, but they just wouldn't listen'. I don't remember much from the episoded but the marijuana smoke that kept egging little Mikey on to do harder drugs, which seems like a cheap attempt at making it a gateway drug if you ask me.

Rated I for Inappropriate!

Some friends were out at the Science Center and decided to do a little surfing but couldn't get to my site. Apparently I have inappropriate content that the kiddies must be spared from. It must be all the adult themes I talk about; how to smoke crack without anyone noticing, 50 ways to turn you partner upside down and on her way to happyland, how to break every commandment written in 20 minutes or less, and satanic rituals for the soul. If it's all too much, mosey on to lightly toasted it's much tamer and hasn't been banned yet. The Science Center must think it is important for kids to know exactly what music is best to shag by and where exactly a bong is kept.

Don't look so damn Tragic

The second law of thermodynamics is affecting me on an exponential scale these days. Everything naturally wants to increase in disorder. Life is going faster. I'm further from support I've used in the past. I'm stuck in indecision. I'm stuck in a black hole, but thankfully I may see that proverbial white light everyone keeps talking about. About @%*&#$% time if you ask me.

Since we're on the topic of Why is Matt so damn popular? I'll throw my two cents in:


#1 - He's secretly taken over the UW Blog Ring and made it a requirement that everyone must link directly to him. He is the ring master and if you turn his request down he'll make your stats plummet. I heard of someone joining the ring and they didn't want to play by his rules, he had their DSL disconnected so they couldn't post as often anymore.



#2 - He breeds bloggers for the sole purpose of linking to him.

I wonder if all those years ago, when Britney and Christina's Moms signed them on as Mouse-cateers if Disney threw a hidden clause in the contract that said they could not be held responsible in the event that the child grew up to be a slut.

Is this helping or hurting? Marvel is making the first gay western series comic "rawhide kid: slap leather". I just can't stop laughing about it. His preferences are defined by these statments: "I think that mask and powder-blue outfit are fantastic, I can certainly see why that Indian follows him around."

If comic strip stars had their start in porn!

I'm trying to keep my infatuations and obsessions down to a minimum now that I am so old, but my crush on Chantal just keeps coming back. Last night's concert sparked the fire and her cuteness fanned the flames. The concert was spectacular as always, but not as good as Fed Hall a couple of years ago. 1) there was no sitting and 2) Chantal wasn't drunk on red wine telling funny little stories, but she did tell an amusing anecdote about porn star Ron Jeremy telling jokes, is like her..., but she didn't finish it so I had to come up with a dirty thought all on my own.



I do like her music, but it scares me a little because it seems to be breaking into that scary adult contemporary format and I am way too young for that shit. There also is a disturbing trend towards bad puns, for example the line I can't believe how much I love the rain is code for i love my hubby Raine (Maida form Our Lady Peace).

I can definitely relate to poor Charlie Brown, except for the balding and being constantly referred to by first and last name. I can't get in the Christmas spirit either. As a kid you have this wonderful sense of excitement to look forward to, there is an immense build up starting with the Christmas Tree followed by school events. Without those, the magic isn't there.



My brother, sister and I had this ritual. We'd repeat "Can we put up the tree, Dad?" repeatedly, until my parents caved. It wasn't a sophisticated tactic, but it worked. They'd go off bundled in toques and scarves to the far reaches of our property, returning a half hour later with the most pathetic looking tree you could imagine. I could never picture how that hole in it would disappear but it did and was transformed into a tree I was proud of. (It's made me a bit of a tree snob, I never think other trees are nice because they are either too tacky or too martha-stewartish.)



The Christmas excitement was topped off the last week at School. There were assemblies every morning to kick off the day with Christmas carols and Friday was a half day. That day we really rocked out to Jingle Bell rock, skits would be put on, the class partied over cupcakes someone's Mom had decorated with white icing and green sprinkles, and Santa would come to humiliate the teachers. What more could a kid want?



The only event that comes close to this level of excitement is the work Christmas party. There thrown by frugal bosses, held far too early in December to have any lasting effect on Christmas cheer, and without a doubt you will do something stupid at them, but that's a post for another time.

I hope I am not one of these parents I overheard in the grocery store;

Dad: What kind of fruitopia do you want, orange?

Kids: GRAPE!

Dad: They don't have it.

Kids: Yes they do. It's right there.

Dad: I know, but you can't have it.

I'd like to publically annouce that Christmas is coming. I have heard it's call, "It's Christmas" by Band-aid. Like so many years before, this song doesn't herald in the yuletide spirit but the shopping panic.

Things are looking up. I'm on the guest list for the invitation only Chantal Kreviazuk concert at Revival on Monday. I've never won a thing in my life, it may be time to buy lotto tickets.

(to the tune of the Sugar Crisp song) Can't get enough of those Mullet Heads. If you still can't decide what to buy for you loved one, might I suggest a Mullet Head Action Figure. If you aren't going to buy one, at least check out Randy and his Margaritaville Spill, pictures, and quotes (Dude, that's not funny. You're making fun of my hair!).

I don't know why I don't watch Jenny Jones more. I was hanging out with my cousin yesterday afternoon and he had on Jenny Jones: "I was a geek, now I'm a Wild Party Girl". A rather large African American women came up to say her thing, points to her large ass and turns it to the camera and says "I'm Bootylicious and you Booty-wishes!"

Sponge Bob Squarepants Jackass, a little TV show created by people with too much time. I on the other hand create fictitious characters. The 2 episodes are exactly what you want to see if like me you enjoy watching squeaky toys being pummeled by falling computers and run over by cars. I can just smell the lawsuit waiting to happen.

It makes a perfect conversation piece for the holiday season with it's unstructurally sound walls, assorted candy, gooey icing and symbolism of the decaying holiday season. If your gonna celebrate, do it with a shack.



Grocery stores are missing out on a huge opportunity when it comes to the gingerbread shack. It's perfect for those of us too bothered to take the time to make a gingerbread house properly. Our generation can't be bothered with minute details and all the waiting that is involved in the construction of conventional houses. If you want to make a shack all your own, gather your closest friends over drinks and let your creative juices flow as you struggle to decorate the roof before it caves in.

Her: How's the pizza doing?

Me: (after too many beers) Good, we just put it in moments ago.

Her: When will it be ready?

Me: We're waiting for the oven to preheat and then we'll put it in...

Her: (hysterical laughing followed by wild hand gestures)

Me: What?